Blood...Tears...Joy

Blessed are we, who naturally bleed,

the sun and the moon, mock all my need.

Searing rage, I live only for pain,

Hidden so deep and dark in my veins.

I saw it down, deep in your eyes,

the dawn is over, no more of your lies.

I feed off of you, live off your pride,

just like a leech along for the ride.

The wind it howls, screaming my name,

when it just whispers, it drives me insane.

I hear the souls suffer, I hear them die,

Resigned with remorse, I look to the sky

No more dreams, only seasons of strife,
please no more, I don't want this damned life.
I beg of you, can you not see,
cleanse me, annoint me, let me be free.

My Friend

What stays unspoken speaks in magnitudes,

Their thoughts articulated can attest,

And so despite our separate attitudes,

I must articulate what thoughts speak best:

We compliment each other more than most,

As if you are the print and I the page,

You are the one that speaks and I the host,

My timid silence fills the words you wage.

Though doubtless evidence proves interest,

I cannot muster words to bring an end,

With all conviction prove these thoughts exist,

To end my silence and name you my friend.

But nothing can or will be heard or said,

Until aloud this poem has been read.

Fragile.....Easily Broken

Fragile

All the pain

Seeping through

The walls

Barriers

Holding everything

Back

Pouring forth in

Echoes of fear

Frustration

Piercing of the heart

Pulling at

The memories

Sole anger

Deafening screams

Silent

Choked by

Music of the moment

Build it up

To watch it fall

Watch it crumble

Now only shattered

Dreams

Fragile

Tear-stained face

Look past the glass

Peering through the

Reflection

The mist

Sinking

Deep down under

A sharp reminder

A pull of reality

A jerk of the hand

Of the heart

Calling for a love

Never

To be found

A fragile heart

Beating in the dark

Identity...Do You Know Who You Truly Are?

First of all i want to say Good Luck to all those doing exams, this can be a stressful time for all.

It really has been a long time since i "blogged". Well i was just sitting here reading my birthday cards wen it hit me....I hadnt gotten a single card from anyone in my family. As I sat there thinking of the many reasons, I came across the fact that saudis dont "celebrate" birthdays. Now i am not saying this is true and i am not saying its not true but its just something which has always interested me. I have been to countless birthday parties in Saudi and no one has said anything about it being "7aram". As soon as u step out of Saudi its as if ur in another world.

So as I carried on to ponder, something told me to open up my mums old box. I dont know wat it was but i just got up and started to read her diary again. She wrote so many things about being a kid. She died at the age of 18, leaving me at a couple hours old. I am now 18 and start to wonder where I am trully from. Sure I wear the hijab and the abaya in a very ignorant british environment but is it possible to be more "Saudi"???? I cook the food, I wear the clothes...I even listen to the music. I dont do it because I have to but the fact that I love doing it. The food tastes great and the clothes r colourful. Always attracting attention from my western friends.

I guess what I am trying to figure out is if I can be more Saudi. I constantly bug my cousins and aunties to tell me about their lives back in Saudi. There is so much you can get from a diary.
Anyway...Heres a poem to you mama. Allah yar7ama

Allow the identity

to slip from your tongue,

and find resolution

in hearing your name

But intimacy lies

where fear comes undone

And losing seems inevitable

at the end of the game

The Comeback

Hey everyone....I so missed bloggin but before i start on rambling about what i have been up to during the past month, i have to say i was shocked by a certain someone. I have to admit i have been feeling kinda down after losing my best friend in a car accident and i also felt that i was wanted in my current environment....but a small comment frm Hopeless Poet made me feel so special so i say thank you Hopeless Poet :D

Anyway....these are things have been happening

1) Had an accident. Best fried died.....Allah bless her
2) Fell in love with my doctor...yes i can hear you all laughing looooooool
3) Doctor turns out to be a medical student from Riyadh whos been in London on work
experience
4) Doctor stays a few weeks...sees me a couple of times and then leaves me point blank
5) I move on.....I guess i should have listened to my cousin....I guess not all saudi guys r great
6) Scholarship came through
7) Spent 8 days in Riyadh enjoying all the wonderful weddings :D I designed my cousins dress and it was a big hit...I have 8 more orders to design which i hope will also be a success...walla i never imagined myself as a wedding dress designer

So i guess this is where life has taken me...I will try to write frequently..if i dont, you all permission to torment me :D hehehe ma3 salam ppl

Why Do White Girls Love Arab Men?

There i was, sitting sipping my coffee in Renee's cafe. iPod on full blast, i sat there waiting for my frend Elizabeth so that we could swap psychology notes. We met 2 minutes later, greeted each other with a kiss on each cheek and ordered more coffee. Then out of the blue she asks me if she can listen to my iPod, i was like sure, why not?

There she is with my iPod, suddenly i gotta use the toliet, so while i am trying to figure out where the soap dispenser is, shes outside flicking through my iPod, and what does she find? A picture of my older brother, who btw i only knew existed a few months ago. As soon as i sit down she asks me, "Hey is your bro single?". I was like what?!! " You went through my pics?" After 2 mins of me having a total freak out, i calm down and look at her with a smirk, as if to say hmmmm, why u so interested in my brother? this is wat we said, well briefly, i couldnt possibly write everything!

Eliza: Hey your bro is so hot, set us up Ahlam, oh come on be a frend.
(I gave her a surprised look)
ME: Can't, sorry, hes in saudi.
( A big smile on my face :D)
Eliza: oh, ok, well never mind, next time eh?
ME: yh, wat ever, ( i roll my eyes)
ME: hey why u so into arab guys?
Eliza: Dunno, i guess the way they speak, their skin colour, their smell.......
( At this point i spit my coffee out onto the floor cause i was bursting with laughter)
ME: Their smell?!!!! Wat the hell? Wat do u mean? ( I look at her face which was so blushing!)
Eliza: Well the perfumes they use arnt available here in London
ME: that's cause ur not looking in the right places, there r loads of arab shops in London
Eliza: yh......well we better go back to ur place and do our notes there, seems like its gonna rain.
ME: OMG, i left my washing out!

At this point we gather out belongings and run to my place, i guess i never did get the answer to my question, jst part of it. If you knw any more feel free to let me knw :D

Questioning My Friendship

I need to know if you're my true friend

Will you be my side until the end?

Can I tell you my secrets deep,

And trust them in your heart you'll keep?

Neither of us without our flaws,

Can you accept mine as I will yours?

I'll be a shoulder to cry on when you're blue,

Will you be there for me when i need you?

No matter how busy I will make time for you

If you're busy will you make time for me too?

I will take your hand and comfort your tears

Will you hold me and soothe my fears?

I will give you joy and many warm smiles,

Can we share that even across many miles?

I will not forget whats important to you,

Will you remember whats important to me too?

With you my most favourite things I'll share,

If only I know do you trully care?

If you can accept me as I do you,

Then i will know you are a friend most true.

"I'm in Love with Death"

I'm Sitting in the corner of my dark room,

Waiting for my painful doom.

Tears are falling from my eyes,

Like stars in the endless night sky.

He presses the cold razor blade against my arm.

Why is he taking so long to cause me harm?

I'm so in love with death.

I can't wait till he takes my last breath.

The blood is flowing out of my vein.

Why the hell is it taking so long to drain?

He's crawling on top of me.

He whispers in my ear that he's going to set me free.

It's been so long since I've felt this way.

To know that I might die today.

I'm so in love with death.

And he's finally taken my last breath.

Rest In Peace

This is about someone I recently knew, i just thought i would pay her a little tribute. RIP

dont expect this to rhyme or to even be good, jst a load of crap i wrote on the bus home

There she lay
Throbbing, screaming,
Yelling his name.
She knew love was lost,
But what about life?
Judged by the way she dyed her hair
Judged by the way her skin was unnaturally fair
Judged by the way she hid the shame
Judged by the way she felt the pain
Judged by the way she just wanted to belong
Judged by the way she just wanted to feel loved
Her friends were scared
Her teachers were terrified
For the way she looked
For the way she acted
She was different
She was an outcast
For the anger she held
All she could have taken
She was afraid she might break
She just wanted to be loved
To be held tight
Through the bloodshed and the fear
She was full of hate
Afraid of the world
That saw her for what she was
She just wanted to be accepted for who she was
Her friends noticed a change,
They noticed the pain
Her friends asked her if she was ok
She answered
Her voice full of shame
The way she wore her clothes,
The way she styled her hair
The music she listened to,
The boys she liked
They noticed the cuts, the scars and the anger
Up till that day,
She was alone
With nothing to live for,
She took her last breath

RIP Aleesha Abd Al Hamed

1990-2008

Passing My Arabic Exam

Those that know me would knw that my arabic is very weak even though i am saudi. Its a long story, but to cut it short, i never spoke arabic at home.

So, now in college, i took a beginners course for arabic and i passed :D

I got a big shiny red A on the front of my test paper, while i flicked through it i saw my mistakes but one of them stuck out. one of the questions was asking me when did the battle of badr take place? and for the answer i wrote الله يعلم because it was the last question and it was only worth 2 marks. anyway, while flicking through i saw that they had given me the full 2 marks for it :D

anyway, i am going to carry on studying arabic after a short break. it was intense, but worth it!

ciao xxx

Dance Classes

My day started with me being late to class, i arrived 15 mins late due to my car giving me troubles. As soon as i stepped inside the class all eyes were on me, the substitute teacher told me to wait outside, i waited 10 mins and said forget it! I was outta there, i dont need the hassle of maths.

i was angry at the fact that under qualified woman told me to wait outside for 10 mins! i mean come on!!! she didnt even hear me out. anyway, i decided to go to the library to pick up some books which i needed, and my at the library my attention was drawn to a small pink sheet on the notice board, this was my ticket from boredom.

i attended the dance class and waited there, i was the only one in a hijab, but since it was all female i took it off, then the dance teacher came in! Jessica was sooo fit and toned, her curves were in all the right areas and she was the right height. i couldnt stop looking at the way she would gesture to us, i was soo jealous.

at the end of the dance lesson, i took the courage in talking to her and finding out more about dance, she said to me if i had the heart to dance then i would definitly make it :D thats the kind of encouragement i hav been wanting to hear all week, instead all i get is if u do this, if u do that.

anyway, cant wait for my next lesson, i knw i will never be as good as Jessica but i definitly knw i will try my best.

ciao xxx

My Mother

I never knew my mum, jst stuff from her diary and stories told by the people who loved her. This poem is for all those people who never knew their mothers, even if they still have them.

Each night I shed a silent tear,

As I ask God in my prayer.

To let you know I love you,

And just how much I care.

Take my million teardrops,

Wrap them up in love,

Then ask the wind to carry them,

To you in heaven above.

Misunderstandings

Vous croyez que vous les connaissez,

mais en fait vous n'avez pas la moindre idée de qui ils sont.

My Inner Child

ok now this is freaky, its 00:28 here and i havnt gone to sleep for days now. i feel so tired yet my eyes wont shut and i have tried everything. from sleepings pills to counting sheep. i just hate being like this. anyway, i have booked my ticket to Saudi Arabia and i leave inshallah in june. i am going to stay for 8 weeks before i have to be back to come and recieve my results.

i was in college today and all people could tlk about was the graduation party in May. i mean come on! its like months away and ppl r worried about wat they r going to wear.

i jst thought to myself that maybe i should get a hobby. i mean i sit here doing nothing everyday, well apart from homework and stuff and maybe belly dancing class but thats it really. i need something which will make the adrenaline in my body shoot up and bring me to life. i have tried things like horse riding and swimming but they dont do nothing much to me.

someone once said to me, "follow wat ur heart wants" and i havnt really taken it into account until now. wat my heart is telling me is to get in touch with my roots. i mean sure yes i am saudi but there is loads of things i dont knw about my homeland, or even jst seeing parts of it. i been to riyadh,jeddah,medinah and makkah but thats it really. oh yh and dammam. i jst wanna get up and leave, you knw. jst get up and go anywhere in the world. as long as i have some company then i dont giv a damn where i go, i jst want a change fromt his miserable life i live. same routine day in day out and to me i jst wanna live

i wanna feel the breeze in my hair and the smell of freshly baked cookies coming from my neighbours window. i wanna splash around in clear sea water and make a big sandcastle with some shells and a door. hehheeh, look at me, like some kinda little kid, well i guess its cause i didnt have one.

ciao xxx

A Poem Written From A Long Long Time Ago

My name is Ahlam
I was but three,
My eyes were swollen
I couldn't see,
I must have been stupid
I must have been bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wished I was better
I wished I wasn't ugly,
Then maybe my daddy
Would have still wanted to hug me.
I couldn't speak at all
I couldn't do a wrong
Or else I was locked up
All the day long.
When I awoke
I was all alone
The house was dark
My daddy wasn't home
When my daddy did come
I tried to be nice,
I thought maybe I'll get just
One whipping that tonight.
I didn't make a sound!
I had heard a car
My daddy was back
From his daily job.
I heared him curse
My name he called
I pressed myself
Against the wall
I tried and hid
From his evil eyes
I was so afraid
I started to cry
He found me weeping
He shouted ugly words,
He said it was my fault
That he suffered at work.
He slapped me and hit me
And yelled at me more,
I finally got free
And I ran for the door.
He'd already locked it
And I started to bawl,
He took me and threw me
Against the hard wall.
I fell to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continued
With more bad words spoken.
"I'm sorry!", I screamed
But it was much too late
His face had been twisted
Into unimaginable hate
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it have ended!
And he finally stopped
And headed for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor
My name is Ahlam
And I was but three,
That night my daddy
Tried to murder me

ME, ME, ME

I am thinking about... how my last few days have been

I said... too little, i need to get my views heard by others.

I want to... stay longer here in Riyadh

I miss... my kittens.

I hear... my cousins music from the room above mine. Man his music is loud!!!

I wonder... what the future has in store for me

I regret... thinking that i was the reason why my father abused and neglected me, it was his twisted mind!

I am... 4 cms taller and 5 kg's heavier which for me is great news :D.

I dance... with the door closed and the curtain closed, i dont want ppl seeing me!!!

I sing... when doing housework like washing the dishes.

I cry... when my feelings are seriously hurt or when i feel very very happy.

I am not always... the happy person ppl expect when i go on MSN, sometimes i need a shoulder to cry on and all i get is " You've changed Ahlam","ur different" i mean give me a break!!!

I write... everything from wat i eat down to how i am feeling.

I confuse... the arabic language, god i am so bad at it right now! :'(

I need... a miracle and maybe a guardian angel. anyone knw any good ones? :P

I should try... socializing more, maybe i wont be so bored if i meet new ppl and learn about different cultures.

I finish... my camera batteries quickly, i should really buy rechargeable ones.

A Mans Dcitionary To How A Womans Mind Thinks

Alright everyone, i cant sleep so i jst thought i would put this on my blog, its wat women say and wat they trully mean :D enjoy, oh waleed i knw u will laugh wen u read this one loooooool.

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry!
We need = I want
It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you idiot!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on the PC
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me!
Are you listening to me!? =Too late, you're dead!!! :@

P.S. hope u laughed waleed, cause i sure did :D

As Life Goes On

Well right now here in riyadh it is 3:13 but my laptop is still set to London time. I couldnt be bothered to change it, even if i am using it here. I mean like i am here for a week and since Tuesday ( the day i landed) it has been kinda weird for me,, u knw i hav jst been meeting my millions of relatives who by the way I didnt even knw existed. Like my mums half sisters who by the way look great for women in their 40's!!! I mean they could easily pass for my sisters or something.

Well the whole point of this journey was to get my uni application sent in and hav my interview which was with a woman called Hajra Al-Qahtani who said she looked forward to meeting me again. i instantly went pink as i usually do at the sign of praise or fondness. I kinda just went along with wat i originally planned to say and she said that the uni would be happy to offer me a place :D

i must admit that this journey for me has been kinda emotionally challenged as i met my brothers adoptive family. A poor couple who took him in and raised him even though they had very little of wat we like to call luxuries to giv to him. it was fantastic meeting them as he showed me their little kids who they adopted as well.

The couple who could not hav kids of their own decided to look after orphans which to me was so breathtaking wen they invited me for dinner, i mean there they were with so much love to giv and these kids saw them as mum and dad, including my brother, but there was one person who stood out, a young shy girl called Ateeqa whos parents had died in a car accident back in 1994, leaving the only survivor to be her, at that time she was 6 mnths old.

i talked to Ateeqa and she had all these dreams of becoming a business woman who wanted a massive house full of orphan kids jst like she is growing up in. i couldnt help feeling that me and her in some way were linked emotionally and mentally as we both wanted to help ppl. me in a career related way and for her in a life long ambition.

i have promised to take Ateeqa out and spend time with her, jst getting to knw her, for a girl who is soon to turn 14, she is undoubtly brave as to think about wat she can do for others at such a young age, most girls her age are having enough problems to deal with like puberty and becoming a young woman, but for her, she seems to be the one the little ones look up to as a role model which for a 14 yr old is very difficult to keep with.

i think back to the times wen i was abused and neglected by my father and i say to myself that not many ppl can actually understand wat i went through, and there she was, a pretty young ambitious girl smiling at me and asking me questions about my lifestyle in the U.K. She was one of those ppl who could feel something for me for theyhad been through a similar ordeal. I knew from the beginning of this journey that it would change my perspective of life, and i was right it definitly has and will continue to as days go by.

New Beginnings

I woke up at 3 am and looked out of my window. I stood there and realised that my life was going to be better :D so i got ready and went to the airport to catch my flight to Riyadh, i was trully going home.

Well lets jst say Heathrow has tightened security a lot! i mean i was searched 5 times! sheeesh!
anyway, as i was on the plane i realised that saudi airline has improved a lot, except for the algerian male steward who ignored me wen i said i had to inject my self. all he did was look at me and wandered off. i then called a nice turkish stewardess who helped me with my equipment and checked up on me every 20 mins to make sure i was ok and satisfied. god bless that woman.

Before the plane left London, the prayer of travelling was said. First in arabic then in english. Here it is:

"الله أكبر , الله أكبر , الله أكبر , سبحان الذي سخر لنا هذا وما كنا له مقرنين، وإنا إلى ربنا لمنقلبون، اللهم إنا نسألك في سفرنا هذا البر والتقوى ومن العمل ما ترضى، اللهم هون علينا سفرنا هذا واطو عنا بعده. اللهم أنت الصاحب في السفر، والخليفة في الأهل، اللهم إني أعوذ بك من وعثاء السفر وكآبة المنقلب وسوء المنظر في الأهل والمال"

Anyway, as soon as i landed in riyadh i was met by a woman who helped me with my lugagge and made me feel so happy :) After my uncle picked me up, we went to his house and i met his family, including his new baby daughter Mona. Well i will keep a daily account of wat is happening .

Bye xxx