Sweet Death

I guesss this might be my last article......for now.

Today started off as a wonderful day. i woke up happy and i was in a good mood. The morning was nice. i had a shower and went to get the post. apart from a few bills everything was going just great. Same as the afternoon, it was great, i had a conversation with my frend Waleed, we joked around and we both laughed a lot, but then this evening something happened which made me remember all those bad memories, forcing me to be depressed and upset and not to forget suicidal :'(

For now all i can do is sit and look at the screen, how do i put my feelings into words? Someone yesterday told me that a blog is for yourself and it dosnt hav to make sense. To me i feel she is right as most of them dont make sense, i guess u have to be the person writing them to understand what the article is trully about and how deep in emotion it is.

I risked everything for this life, i fight for my life and yet life always has a way of doing something to you to make u feel low, also family as well and last but not least frends.

Now i am smart but not intelligent. I sin but i am not the devil and i am good but i am not an angel. Right now all i can think about is how i can end this msiery, there is so much as person can take until it gets to a point where they cant take anymore.

i use the niqahb as a way of hiding the tears i cry. i know its wrong but its the only way i can stop people from staring at my face with my puffy red eyes and runny nose. i cover my face so people do not judge me. i cover my face to hide the scars that years of abuse has left on me. its so pathetic that i dont even know my own body, i have had a major heart transplant and here i am, feeling the pain of the after effects. wont somebody please listen to me?

wont somebody please be here for me? wont somebody plz jst tlk to me and give me a shoulder to cry on. i can ask these questions and no one will step forward and i dont blame them. i am too much hassle, even my own frends avoid me because of my problems, they choose to reamin worry free and conscience clean. even my own family avoid me, they choose to stay away because of the hassle i may bring them.

I always wondered as a child what is my purpose in this world? Allah brought me into this world and through everything which has happened to me, i have more bad memories than good ones. I aint bad am i? i follow islamic rules, i cover myself, i pray,fast and giv money to charity. i build my knowledge in the world of islam. i hardly swear and i avoid contact with men. i keep to myself and i dont draw attention to myself.

Waleed once told me that one day all of this would be over. I would hav a good job, nice house, husband and kids and that i would be happy, but can we really be realistic here? i mean, look at me now, i have illnesses, whos gonna want a wife whos on anti-rejectants for the rest of her life?

Whos gonna want a diabetic wife to carry his children in her womb? Whos going to want an anorexic wife who has nothing to offer to the eye? Please, lets be realistic, how many men do u knw out there who wants a diabetic, sick hearted wife who cant even breathe properly because of severe asthma?

I am only 17, i havnt even reached 18 yet and it seems life is over. I have tried so many times to do this, kill myself and so many hav told me oh dont, its haram, you will spend eternity in hell. Well with wat i hav been through, i no longer fear Hell. I say bring it on!