To my frend Waleed

Waleed, i was sitting here and writing an apology but then i realised why am i doing this? if wat i wrote isnt true about my father then u tell me wats true. Go ahead. If wat i wrote isnt true then tell me why he did all those things. is it so wrong to want to know the truth? For me i have found out after years of searching, and you know wat, i went to my father and told him wat i had heard and he told me it was true, so excuse me for wanting to know why my arse hole of a father burnt me, kicked me and even beat me like mad. I thought out of all the people in the world Waleed you'd be the one who would understand me,but no. Your saying its insultive and wrong. Then tell me wat is the truth my frend. Jst tell me. If i hav heard it come out of my fathers mouth, wat more proof do i need? I cant take back wat i said but i can say one thing, i am glad i found out the truth because now after 10 years i can finally move on.

Saudi Womens Rights

this all started from someone saying that saudi women are useless, and that person was a saudi, so this is wat a saudi woman said in return:

Saudi society is based on masters and slaves, or, to be more precise, masters and maids because the masters are the men and the maids are the women.

The ownership of a woman is passed on from one man to another. Ownership of the woman is passed on from the father or the brother to another man, the husband. The woman is merely a piece of merchandise, which is passed over to someone else - her guardian.

How do you recognize a maid or a slave? The decision making is out of their hands. All the decisions are made by the master. Women today re not allowed to make any kind of decision - not about work, marriage, studies, medical treatment, leaving the house or travelling.

I believe that in general, for the saudi woman, everyday is a new battle. She needs to find ways to live on the face of this earth without colliding with the law, with men, with society, with the religious clerics or with the political establishments. She is besieged.

There are five types of shackles, or jails, for the saudi woman - if she manages to escape one, she might enter another. The first is the tribe, then comes the family, then the religious institutions, the political establishment and finally society. Where ever you go you encounter a battle. What are you to do?

With in every saudi woman there is a Scheherazade. Imagine Scheherazade trying every night to stay alive until the next. Thats how i see the saudi woman. Some might say that i am exaggerating, but .... I know that some of our women live in prosperity and freedom but and i am one of them but to what extent? To what extent do you own what you possess?

Hypothetically speaking, if who ever gave you that freedom decided to take it away from you - would you have the ability to escape this punishment?

The woman is raised to fear man and society. Why does she accept this upbringing? Because she stands to lose a lot if she rebels. when a man rebels he might collide with the political establishment only, but a woman collides with several institutions. Ultimately, i dont know if people have noticed but when a woman starts to become liberated, she is not respected by society, but when a man raises the banner of liberation and calls for equality and liberalism he is highly respected and is always given prominence. Even the state shows respect for the man who speaks freely but not to a woman who speaks freely.

She pays the price on every level - her family, religion and society.

Saudi women I think are greatly feared. When i compare the saudi man to other arab men, i can say the saudi man is the only man who could not compete with the woman. why could he not compete with her? because he has great fear of the woman. The woman has capabilities. When women study, they compete with the men for jobs. 90% of jobs are open to men so they dont feel any competition. Saudi men do not face competition from non-saudi men, who are also considered of lower status. The saudi is a man who has never known the meaning of everting efforts in order to realize a dream. I am not talking about all men, but about most of them.

If they do not face competition from saudi women, and not from the non-saudi man, they have the entire scene for themselves. All positions and jobs are reserved for them. Therefore, they are spoiled self-indulged men.

am i going crazy?

hmm, it seems many people judge before they have a chance to hear the truth. right now, literally 2 minutes ago i was brutally beatn up by my cousin, and all because she thought i had touched her stuff.

i know this may soudn ridiculous but it seems people have ways of calculating things and the answe they get isnt the truth. i stood there smiling and she walked in smiling, she walked into the room singing a lovely tune. then with out me even seeing she swung at me and started to punch me, now i am sure u r aware i aint the strong type of girl and this girl was huge, bigger than usuall.

at the end, i started to laugh, i knw, sooooo crazy. i got up and started to laugh. i was bleeding and my finger is broken. i am having quite some difficulty in typing. hmmmm, the pain is here yet i hav no tears, i am shaking yet i feel no fear towards this person.

wat the hell has happened to me? i am suppose to be on the floor in pain but no, i sit here talking to my self as if i am some kind crazy girl. may be i am, maybe i aint? who cares?!!! i got the shit kicked outta me and all i can think about is writing it on my blog? oh my god! i think i am delusional. hmm ah well, off to grab some pills for the pain in moment, oh how i hate christmas eve, all the shops r closed. i am gonna be walking for ages before i find a shop open at this time of night. hmmm, my finger is swollen, i'll put soem ice on it. ok.

well i dont knw wat more to say really. i jst kinda wanted to see if i could still type with a broken finger. ok now, see ya later and hope u all have a nice vacation, enjoy!

my weird yet wonderful eid

Eid, a day where people get together and remember God. they spend Eid with their family and friends and they have fun, but who says you cant hav fun alone?

so there i was, right after eid prayer, standing alone in the middle of the ummah (community), i jst looked at those girls. standing there i realised they were gonna go home and get ready to go out with men who see them as sex objects. i on the other hand decided to go home and try to think about wat the imam had said. he had given a speech about being who u trully r and making sure u feel comfortable. i though to my self was i trully who i wanna be or was i jst another fake girl?

i heard a a knock on the door. i opened it. it was my frend Amara, she lives upstairs and was the first person to welcome me into this neighbourhood. as i served her arabian coffee and dates, i knew she was dieing to ask me a question.

she wanted to know whether i would go to the party that my frends were going to. i refused and said i was busy washing my hair, infact i jst didnt want 10 guys staring at me across the room.

ok, stuck again, dont know wat to say. kinda feel tired yet i dont knw why. i am drinking lots of water yet i aint thirsty. hmmm weird right? well thats me :) born into a weird and wonderous world where nothing is normal these days.

Anorexia

Everyday i battle my weight problem, today i wrote a poem to express what its like:

Beautiful Anorixia you take a strole down my mind.
You remind me of what you did to me, you told me you were kind.

Beautiful Anorixia gliding down my brain.
With a single look you can feel my pain.

Beautiful Anorixia you leave tiny footprints in my head.
If only i didnt listen to what you would have said.

Beautiful Anorexia you are apprehensive and frail.
Looking for a friend you sit alone to wale.

Beautiful Anorexia your tears will finally be dried.
For this littel girl should have run to hide.

Beautiful Anorexia you see her sliding down.
You were the only one that, that girl had around.

Beautiful Anorexia you brought her to the brink.
For others have now seen how much she has shrink.

Beautiful Anorexia you are fighting now.
To keep the friend that you once had but then had once pushed down.

Beautiful Anorexia you are to frail to fight.
You must part your long time friend and leave into the night.

Beautiful Anorexia you see her gain her strength.
Soon the pain and suffering will distance into length.

Beautiful Anorexia you take one last visit to the place you once called home.
This girl will never let you visit agian, now your all alone.

Beautiful Anorexia soon you'll find a friend.
And soon someday you'll bring her to The End

getting in touch with my mother tounge

ok so its late and i cant sleep, so wat do i do?....... well i get in touch with the one thing in my life which has been extremly hard for me, my mother tounge

i always found arabic hard but during my frendship with waleed walla i hav learnt a lot!!! he has taught me so much which i can now use. :D

i have even started to write poems in arabic which for me 6 mnths ago seemed impossible, i would upload it but this damn blog is having difficulties so ur gonna hav to wait ppl.

anyway, lately i hav been looking after my baby neice in my spare time. i do this to help out my cuz whos having a hard time adjusting back to work. anyway, her name is Aryam and she is the sweetest baby u could ever find on earth. wen ever she sees me she is excited and she always puts her head on my shoulder wen she wants to sleep. she is 1 soon and i want to get her a good present but i am stuck for ideas so plz help ppl.

also, well, the feeling i get wen she has to go is like i hav lost a part of me and it feels like it wont ever come back. i feel sad but i also feel happy cause i knw i will get to see her again soon. she makes my day so fun filled and she always puts a smile on my face. she can be hard work but to me she is worth it.

i dont knw why but i jst hav this feeling inside me which i cant explain, its like, ya3ni.....

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

why is this so hard?! it feels as if i want a child of my own, i knw i sound crazy but to me going through all that pain is worth it. i would happily carry a child for 9 mnths and go through labour jst to hold him/her for one moment and call him/her my child because to me a child is like a ....a.... well that i seriously dont knw wat to say. i said to myself maybe its cause i am alone and i am a young woman, but as time went by i realised that i am mentally and emotionally ready for a child, but one big problem, because of my health it makes carrying a child a dangerous thing, but that will be in the future inshallah (god willing).

anyway, all i do is sit here and think about her smile, wen she smiles at me and shows me her few teeth she has hahahaha

oh aryam i love u so much habibti u r my life and i am so happy u said ur first word infront of me ........mama

anyway, i carry on counting the hours until i see her again, i think i am gonna be a long time

I Miss You

Things i miss:

1. Quality time with big bro
2. Tlking for hours with my mate Waleed
3. My phone
4. Being able to go out with my mates
5. I miss my mates anyway!!!

ah, this list could go on and on and on but to save time and of course not to bore you, lets just say i miss a lot of things.

Guide to singleness

1. Travel alone
Whether you’re trying to find your way through the Paris Metro or the London Underground, haggling over a painting in Mexico or choosing where to bed down in the Badlands, traveling by yourself builds a confidence you simply can’t get any other way. In an unfamiliar place, you have to make decisions by yourself, for yourself every day, which will build a self-reliance you’ll always treasure—even when you become part of a twosome.

2. Wallow in the ache of a broken heart
Oh, the pain. The agony. The tubs of Ben & Jerry’s in front of the cable TV. Yep, getting dumped is beyond awful, but guess what? It’s the only way that you’ll develop the empathy you’ll need to be a better partner in a relationship. Because if you’re sensitive to the grief someone else has caused you, you’re less likely to do the same to anyone else. So, consider this painful milestone a lesson in karma that’ll serve you well as you travel through your dating days.

3. Spend a weekend with a married couple your age
On lonely nights, it’s common for single folk to envision marriage as a cosy scene from a Good Housekeeping magazine. But spend 48 hours with a real couple and you’ll learn that in between the snuggling and pet names comes growling, bickering, silent treatments and maybe even a slammed door or two before they ultimately compromise. It will show you what married life is like, warts and all, so you won’t over idealise the two becomes one phenomenon again.

4. Don’t come home all night
That’s right, wild thing. Crash on a friend’s couch, take your friends up on that offer of a last minute trip… Once you have a mate, you can’t just take off on your own without explanation. And, truthfully, you won’t want to. So if you don’t have someone you have to call and check in with every few hours, take this opportunity to check out!

5. Stand up for a cause you care about
Whether you volunteer to help register voters for the next election (why not start early?) or convince your neighborhood to start recycling, get fired up over an issue while you have the time to devote to it. It will remind you that while, yes, finding your soul mate is pretty important, there are other issues at stake in the world that could use your help. And besides, the big-heartedness you’ll be cultivating is very attractive.

6. Learn to fly a plane, surf some big waves, or start your own business.
Give yourself a high by doing something just for you, just for the experience without having someone at home worrying about you or nagging you not to. Oh, and one more gift with purchase: Think about how much fun you’ll have telling your next date about your daring experience.

7. Learn how to take care of yourself
Being solo shouldn’t keep you from cooking for yourself, so learn how to make an impressive meal for one (even if it’s macaroni cheese with your own three cheese spin). While you’re at it, learn how to back up your computer hard drive and sew on replacement buttons. You’ll feel strong and self sufficient and you’ll be well armed with skills to share when you are in a relationship.

8. Buy something hugely impractical just because you love it
Once you’re in a relationship, you’ll start thinking about your partner before you purchase pricey items, not just “Will he or she hate it?” but “Is this where I want to be putting my money if we’re saving for a wedding?” The single life means a single bank account and an excuse to blow a wad of cash without (some of the) guilt. So, make yourself happy and buy something you crave, whether it’s an expensive vintage film poster or a decked out mountain bike.

9. Develop a hobby
Learn to woodwork, play acoustic guitar, speak French, DJ on turntables, or make digital short films for fun. Of course you can (and should) still have hobbies when you’re dating someone, but your solo time is prime time to devote yourself to something that makes life more interesting for you and makes you more interesting to others.

10. Be completely, utterly, wholly single for at least three months
Hop-scotching from one relationship to the next can do you a disservice. Why? Because you’re never more ripe for self-reflection than when you’re on your own and the more you know yourself, the more likely you are to find someone who’s right for the real you.

Romance

Romance is when a husband, who is full of emotion, comes home with a red rose in one hand and a valuable gift in the other. His happy face reflects his pure heart that holds beautiful feelings for his wife. All he wants is to treat his life partner with affection.

Even after many years of marriage and children, he still tries to provide her with the romance she needs. In return, she expresses her satisfaction and eases his burden. She opens her arms and receives him with gentleness and love. She welcomes him home and enhances his spirit with some sensitive and sincere gestures.

Each one of them feels the value of the other person and the longing for romantic moments like these in which both share their love and affection. Romance relies on the element of surprise and beautiful gestures that are outside routine and convention. And because the wife knows this, she makes sure to always amaze her man with a few changes in the house, adding more color to their marital nest. He also retains the same pattern by presenting his wife with a cup of coffee or tea.

They both are sure to emphasize the importance of sharing a lifetime together by the little acts of favor they commit themselves to. The wife also makes sure that the children maintain a solid and respectable relationship with their father.

Romance in my opinion is not just a continuous sustained marriage. Initiatives by both partners to break life’s deadly routine and overcome daily hurdles are what bring about romance and love. That’s why it is really important for any married couple to have some privacy every now and then.

Fondness and passion make it easy for people to be patient and face sickness, death or even minor misunderstandings. There is always a chance to revive and enliven one’s marriage with very simple attempts. It’s a dream that can be easily achieved and brought to reality.

Marriage is full of events, incidents, sad moments and joyful tears. It is a comprehensive culture that should be taught to every man and woman so that marriages become full of love and happiness and shine with romance.

regrets

omg, i jst deleted the post i jst wrote, wats wrong with me?!!! it was meant to be read by waleed and i jst went and deleted it! i was wrong waleed, plzzzzzzzz, forgiv me

Sweet Death

I guesss this might be my last article......for now.

Today started off as a wonderful day. i woke up happy and i was in a good mood. The morning was nice. i had a shower and went to get the post. apart from a few bills everything was going just great. Same as the afternoon, it was great, i had a conversation with my frend Waleed, we joked around and we both laughed a lot, but then this evening something happened which made me remember all those bad memories, forcing me to be depressed and upset and not to forget suicidal :'(

For now all i can do is sit and look at the screen, how do i put my feelings into words? Someone yesterday told me that a blog is for yourself and it dosnt hav to make sense. To me i feel she is right as most of them dont make sense, i guess u have to be the person writing them to understand what the article is trully about and how deep in emotion it is.

I risked everything for this life, i fight for my life and yet life always has a way of doing something to you to make u feel low, also family as well and last but not least frends.

Now i am smart but not intelligent. I sin but i am not the devil and i am good but i am not an angel. Right now all i can think about is how i can end this msiery, there is so much as person can take until it gets to a point where they cant take anymore.

i use the niqahb as a way of hiding the tears i cry. i know its wrong but its the only way i can stop people from staring at my face with my puffy red eyes and runny nose. i cover my face so people do not judge me. i cover my face to hide the scars that years of abuse has left on me. its so pathetic that i dont even know my own body, i have had a major heart transplant and here i am, feeling the pain of the after effects. wont somebody please listen to me?

wont somebody please be here for me? wont somebody plz jst tlk to me and give me a shoulder to cry on. i can ask these questions and no one will step forward and i dont blame them. i am too much hassle, even my own frends avoid me because of my problems, they choose to reamin worry free and conscience clean. even my own family avoid me, they choose to stay away because of the hassle i may bring them.

I always wondered as a child what is my purpose in this world? Allah brought me into this world and through everything which has happened to me, i have more bad memories than good ones. I aint bad am i? i follow islamic rules, i cover myself, i pray,fast and giv money to charity. i build my knowledge in the world of islam. i hardly swear and i avoid contact with men. i keep to myself and i dont draw attention to myself.

Waleed once told me that one day all of this would be over. I would hav a good job, nice house, husband and kids and that i would be happy, but can we really be realistic here? i mean, look at me now, i have illnesses, whos gonna want a wife whos on anti-rejectants for the rest of her life?

Whos gonna want a diabetic wife to carry his children in her womb? Whos going to want an anorexic wife who has nothing to offer to the eye? Please, lets be realistic, how many men do u knw out there who wants a diabetic, sick hearted wife who cant even breathe properly because of severe asthma?

I am only 17, i havnt even reached 18 yet and it seems life is over. I have tried so many times to do this, kill myself and so many hav told me oh dont, its haram, you will spend eternity in hell. Well with wat i hav been through, i no longer fear Hell. I say bring it on!

MORE ABOUT ME

Name : Ahlam a.k.a lamia or lamsah
Birthday: lets jst say 1990
Shape: um.... maybe later, i dont wanna put any images in ur head
Your Fears:Not being able to have a family
Your Perfect Pizza:hmmmm, gotta be a royale mixture
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Go to Saudi and just sit there in the garden and soak up some sunshine
Thoughts First Waking Up: why now?!!! Jst 5 more mins!
Your Bedtime:um, i guess anytime i'm sleepy
Pepsi or Coke:definitley coke! keeps me hyper
Meaningful Genre: arabic songs!! always loved khaleeji songs
Do you Smoke: no way! i aint stupid to kill myself
Do you Swear: only if i have to ;)
Have you Been in Love: ummmm.................no comment
Do you want to go to College: already there
Do you want to get Married: dunno, depends on whos asking me :P
Do you believe in yourself: not all the time but i do want to
Do you think you are Attractive: not really, i dont admire myself, i aint self obsessed!
Do you get along with your Parents: i choose to not talk about my dad, its better to say i dont have one.
Your best time are usually with: my brother and my frend waleed, he makes me laugh
In the past month have you been kissed: wat is this? my life story or something?!
In the past month have you lied? : i hav never lied, yh right!!! i am doing it right now!!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: i practically live there!!!
In the past month have you been Dumped: i cant get dumped if i dont have a bf!
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: you knw, thats a great idea! thnks!
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Nah, i dont like theives
Ever been called a Tease: yes! when i tell waleed girls r better than guys :D
Ever been Beaten up: no i dont fight
How do you enjoy your thursday night? : thursday night?!! u must mean friday night! i jst chill with my kittens, they are soooooo funny
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: i wanna be exactly like me but taller :)

Segregation of the genders

This is a pic of my home land KSA. Dont ask me how and when i took this pic cause i aint in a mood to discuss that for now. i jst wish i could go back there but recently something happened which questioned my love for KSA. As many would know KSA is a conservative country with the segregation of the sexes. Meaning mend and women are separated. I have no problem with this but looking at many young saudi people from the ages of 18-25, i have come to learn that how little they know about each other.

For example, mose of them know very little about the likings and dislikes of each gender. Girls know very little about guys and vice versa. Is this a reason why many couples divorce? I know that keeping a relationship can be hard even though i have never had one my self. i myself choose to reamin single because of the fact that i can not deal with having someone always there looking at me, touching me and wanting to be with me. if i want someone to tlk to i do have frends and they will always be here for me.

anyway, i jst think that maybe sometimes if we jst teach younger generations about the opposite gender then maybe, jst maybe we would all get along with one another. i know it may sound supid but its jst a thought that came into mind.

please tell me wat u think about the whole thing

BORED

Exams r over and now i am back to being bored *sigh*

My Results

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.4
Mind:	4.6
Body:	5
Spirit:	7.1
Friends/Family:	2.1
Love:	0.8
Finance:	4.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

"Only 2 mins" said my bro

i always thought it was us guys who took ages in getting ready to go out. i was ready like ages ago. So there i was, dressed and ready to go out. abaya on, hijab on, driving gloves in handbag and mobile fone on headset, so why wasnt i out of the door. well my slow bro thats why!

omg it all started when i told him i want to go out to buy "stuff". really i wanted to get some pads cause my period was due but its embarrassing telling ur bro that ur going to buy pads. also i wanted a new jacket as winter is close. he said he'd come along with me as he was bored.

so anyway there i was. ipod on, car ready to go and my gloves on, but prince slow decided to take a shower first and get ready. ok, 10 mins, 15, 20. now it was 30 mins and he still wasnt out so i went to get him. inside i found him ironing his shirt!!!!!

buy now i was a little annoyed as i was going to miss meeting my mates at the mall. omg anyway wen we got to the mall he did make up for it. he got me this great abaya which i hugged him and kissed him a lot all over his face until he was like " Ahlam, get off! your embarrassing me"

i guess i was but that was my pay back for making me late.hahahahah

About me :D

1. What time is it: 18:25 pm
2. Name:hmmm jst call me A
3. Nickname(s): lamia, lamy, ahlamy
4. Where were you born: Riyadh
5. What is your birthdate: 1990
6. What do you want: right now? my mum
7. Where do you want to live: Saudi Arabia- hopefully Riyadh or Dammam
8. How many kids do you want: 7 .. maybe 5
9. What would you want to name a girl: Ariana
10. What would you want to name a boy: Zeyad
11. You want to get married: inshallah

ARE YOU..
1. Simple or complicated: both
2. Gay: no
3. Hardcore: nahh, i am a sweet girl :$

Worst:
1. Time of day: sunrise, i dont like getting up
2. Day of the week: Wednesday, omg double french!!!
3. Color crayon: Yellow

Today:
1. What are you doing now: listening to music
2. Wearing: jeans and a t-shirt

Tomorrow:
1. Is: Sunday
2. Got any plans: Go shopping with big bro
3. Goal: Buy him a present to remember me by
4. Dislikes about tomorrow: Last day of week end. it always goes so quickly

Favorite:
1. Number: 4
2. Song: Saber Al Robaey- Bebasata
3. Color: White

Currently:
1. Missing Someone: yes
2. Mood: bored
3. Wanting: to watch a dvd with my bro

IN THE LAST MONTH, HAVE YOU?
1. Had a boyfriend or girlfriend: no, i am conservative
2. Bought something you didn't need: yes and all u guys out there cant blame me! :$
3. Sang in front of people: hahahaha no way, my voice is bad!
4. Been kissed: yes................by my bro
5. Been hugged: yes
6. Felt stupid: Yes!
7. Got drunk: no
8. Got high: depends on which 'high' we're talking about ;p
9. Danced crazy: nahh, my dancing skills r great :P
10. Gotten your hair cut: noooooooooooo! my lovely long hair
11. Cried: yes
12. Lied: ummm maybe:$

DO YOU PREFER...
1. Sun or moon: Sun
2. Winter or Fall: Fall
3. Left or right : right
4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends: definatly 2 best friends
5. Sun or rain: Sun
6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream: i'm not allowed ice cream, i got diabetes :(
7. Vodka or Jack: i dont drink
8. Flowers or candy: again i dont eat chocolate cause of my diabetes :(
9. Grey or black: black
10. Colour or Black and white photos: hmm i guess colour
11. Lust or love: love
12. Sunrise or sunset: rise
13. M&Ms or Skittles: Skittles
14. Staying up late or waking up early: omg definitely staying up late, but never waking up early!

LAST PERSON WHO:
1. Slept in a bed beside you: does my cat count?
2. Saw you cry: my bro
3. Went to the movies with you: my brother
4. You went to the mall with: my friends
5. You went to dinner with: i dont hardly go out and i cant remember
6. You talked on the phone: My lawyer
7. Said I love you to you and really meant it: my uncle
8. Made you laugh: lol my cat, she scared my bro and he dropped his plate of chips onto his foot

Have-You-Ever:
1. Dated A Best Friend: nope
2. Been Arrested: god no!
3. Been On TV: no
4. Eaten Sushi: no
5. Been On A Blind Date: no
6. Been Out Of The Country: yes!
7. Been In Love: no comment

6 Things You've Done Today
1: got out of bed
2: washed my hair
3: watched some tv
4: talked on the phone
5: sent an e mail
6: went to return a dress

5 Favorite Things
1: my iPod
2: my lovely car
3: my laptop
4: omg it has to be perfumes, i jst love perfumes
5: Waleed my close frend :D

my close but far friends

today i finally told my frend waleed that i have a blog. loooool. lets jst say he was shocked. so this is for u waleed. !!! :D

alone

i sit here alone. in this dark place. i guess this is a beginning of a new era. free, independant and now alone. i wanted to be left alone and here i am, i got my wish. alhamdulillah( glory to allah)

senseless

Today i have nothing to do but cry my eyes out. i long for the love which i have been deprived of all my childhood. it has now come to a time where i am forced to make a decision, my family or my freedom?

i love my father very much but he needs to understand i am a young girl with ambitions and dreams. i want to finish my studies and work in accounting.

i have everything ready. a new flat, a job and the area is nice. alhamdulillah for the first time in my life i am looking forward to something. many ppl hav said to me its dangerous for a young girl to be alone, but this is London!!!! i know my way around very well since i have lived here all my life.

looking at the suitcase gives me a sense of guilt. Am i being selfish? should i just stay with my father?

I wish i could escape this life and run away, as far as possible! I know this may sound crazy but i have been through a lot of bad experiences in life. for once i just want it to be peaceful. is that too much to ask?

now has come the time, my new home is ready and awaits me. i am off, wish me luck. inshallah everything will be ok, well...................................i hope it will be ok.

Behind the Veil

i wish i could jst cover up and get lost in my own surroudings. i am always being looked at by males. they r frm the same college and they constantly stare at me. i jst wish they would go somewhere else. i thught the hijab was suppose to stop them from looking at me a lot

Arranged marriages

some say they r good yet some loathe them. why do parents feel its neccassery to marry their kids off to people they havnt even met, or worse, cousins! havnt they thought of faulty genes and al the corruption it can cause?

i guess not

living two lives

In this blog i hope to achieve many things and one of them is find asnwers to why its so hard to fit in with the people you love.

I am a british born saudi. I was born in London, but my parents are from Saudi Arabia. I really love both countries as i feel they both play an important role in my life.

England to me is my second home as i was born,raised and educated here. I grew up in a liberal environment and some would even say i am a free person, yet i still feel that my legs are locked and my hands are chained.

Saudi Arabia is the love of my life. I love everything to do with saudi and i would happily return and spend the rest of my life there, but the only thing stopping me is that i am use to being able to do whatever i want.

Dont get me wrong people, i am a good muslim girl. I follow islam and i cover myself when in the presence of non-family men. I always wear the hijab and abaya when i go out and i am thinking of starting to wear the niqahb but that will take some time. Saudi to me is great but the lack of things to do is quite sad. I enjoy doing sports and competing in things like cross country races and horse riding, but in saudi i am locked behind doors as it is seen inappropriate for young girls to go out a lot.

oh how i wish i could live a british life in my beloved home land of KSA